I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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