I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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