Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I looked at my own cervix.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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