I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
