I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
