How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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