too bad you live with your parents still
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
