Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
