i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
