I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
