he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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