somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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