If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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