i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
