I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
