The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
