Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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