Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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