i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
