cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Acid is not a monday night drug
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
