The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
