I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
