shes about as inviting as chlamydia
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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