I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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