Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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