Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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