I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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