im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you had me at cake vodka
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.