I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
