I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
21 Reasons You’ll Be Forever Alone
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel