my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
