They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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