So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
