I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
