I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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