I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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