swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
