I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
