I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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