And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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