there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize