I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
