the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
