she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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