Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
