oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
