me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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