The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
