How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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