chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
