So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Randomize
