so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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