Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I need water and some morals
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
