i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
