Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
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