The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
