is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
