she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
