I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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