I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
