My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
