3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
