Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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